A Violent Beginning

My son’s first movie

I took my son to the big screen for the first time the first day of the 2004. Jordan is two and a half now and I felt confident that he would enjoy the experience and be able to stay with it for a reasonable amount of time. I didn’t expect him to sit for two hours. But under three is free and my admission was six dollars for the afternoon matinee of Peter Pan. Why not, Peter Pan is a lovely children’s story which would make a wonderful first movie.

On the drive over we listened to an audio tape of the Disney film ALLADIN that was given to him in Michigan over the holidays by Anna, who had given him a haircut and thought he was so well behaved. She wanted to give him a cookie for his reward but I talked her out of that and didn’t bother to explain that he doesn’t eat refined sugar. Some days I think I could simply let the world feed him and save much money by taking him on my errands and actually allowing him to accept what is offered: a lollipop at the gas station, a candy cane from the bank, a soda from the neighbor, and various other goodies from other good-hearted people who are doing something nice. How ungracious would it be to tell them that their kindness is actually very harmful especially for such a young body that needs all the help it can to grow strong and healthy? For two years now I’ve just taken the offering and said thank you and then find a way to avoid letting Jordan get it. But Jordan is getting big enough now to know exactly what is going on and I fear I am going to have to be more direct with these nice people and feel their unsettledness when I graciously decline their sweets.

But I am digressing. Back in the car, listening to ALLADIN, I find suddenly that there is much violence on this tape that I had forgotten about in the movie. Forgotten is not really accurate, I hadn’t even noticed because I didn’t have a child when I first saw it and like most people it wasn’t an issue.

But now, listening with Jordan I realized he was being exposed to violence in a way he never had. My wife and I have been watchful to delay his exposure to violence until as late as possible in his growing. Knowing it is inevitable in our violence-crazed culture, we hope to let his brain develop as much as possible before we give it images of violence to take in and process. I believe if his brain is developed to appoint where we can talk intelligently together about the violence he will see for the first time, I will better educate him regarding the utter dehumanizing consequences of violence. It is shown that young infant brains take in learning without any questions or filters and accept things as is. Once the personality is formed with the older brain it is a different process. In fact it is easier for an infant to learn to read than a three year old for this very same reason. Fortunately we have been able to keep his infant brain from violent images.

Surprised at the violence of ALLADIN, we stroll into Peter Pan. How excited Jordan was to enter the dark theater exclaiming “dark in here, dark in here!” As he sat on my lap and was dazzled by Tinkerbelle’s flying and sound effects he would turn back to flash his big smile to me. Both checking that I am still there and enjoying the experience together by sharing his reaction with mine. Much to my surprise the first image of Captain Hook’s ship is filled with gun fire. It spirals down from there into full out violence from all.

What struck me is, why must everything in our culture be defined through the dualistic prism of good guy/bad guy? What would change if we exposed children to the good in every person, giving them learning that all people have good inside? The dualistic good vs. evil is a primer for later development of judging and condemnation. What would one world with all kinds of different people, all doing the best they can at any given moment look like to a child? Rather than, you are good but there are bad guys and you must kill them before they kill you.

I want my son to be non-violent in action. I want him to know it is never right to do violence to another, not even in self-defense. I want him to learn of Gandhi, Martin Luther King Jr., Nelson Mandela, and Buddha. I would like him also to know of Jesus of Nazareth but so many wars have been fought in his name and justified by God that I will explain that one later.

It is clear to me that if a child is not exposed to violence he will not know violence. Therefore, he cannot be violent. Those impulses he has to bang or strike out are so easily marshaled in and controlled even at his age. Jordan is already capable of certain self-control, in spite of his fantastic energy of exploration and learning that often appears out of control.

But how to keep him from being exposed to violence? He has never watched the violence of cartoons because he hasn’t been exposed to them. He spends his time engaged actively in life not passively in front of the TV. He has no toy guns although he has seen them from his cousins, girls, who like to shoot each other and others all summer long from their squirt guns that look like AK-47’s. He didn’t know what they were or how to shoot them when exposed at two years old. He hasn’t seen guns since, except for a group of four year olds playing with toy guns in the park one day in the fall.

He hasn’t witnessed violence except for the hitting and fighting he has seen other children do with each other. And he sure picked that up like a sponge. But with some firm explanation of my dislike of hitting others he quickly dropped it.

It is nearly impossible to keep a young child unexposed to violence in our culture. How much of this exposure, so early imprinted on their impressionable brains is responsible for violence committed late in life? Why not show a different image from the start rather than trying to undue it later with all the conflict/resolution so popular in schools today?